June 12, 2011
I'm broken all over
For the past 10 days I have been with my ex, Cain. His family went out of the country so I stayed with him, and his dog, Tasha. As you may have read before, Cain and I broke up back in March but we have remained close. This past week or so with him has been great but also confusing. I'm not sure what I thought I'd learn if I spent this time with him but I guess I thought things would be more clear? Like if there was a chance for us to ever be together again or not...but it's not clear. At the beginning of my stay Cain and I had a conversation about me wanting children. That is the main reason we broke up, I want a family and he doesn't think he does. I have been joking, in a way, with Cain that if I have to I will get artificially inseminated and do it on my own. It was a pretty sensitive topic and he finally opened up a little about it. Cain questioned if I really wanted children with saying, "Are you sure that's a good idea?You're kind of a stressed out person." That pissed me off. Then he told me he thought it would be selfish of me to have a child on my own because the child deserves a father. I understand his point with that Of course I don't WANT to do it alone. I rebutted with, "Well what am I supposed to do? I'M BROKEN, who is going to want me?". You know his answer? "I don't know."
What do I mean by broken?Well, I don't have much to offer a man. I have endometriosis which makes sex painful and I can't do anything too crazy lol Also, I have TMJ (lock jaw), so that cancels a few other things I can do. What guy is going to want a girl who can't please him? Who can only do like, 1 position in bed without feeling like I'm going to die. I know people say "A relationship should be more about love than sex" but sex is a huge part of a relationship, whether I like to face that fact or not. How can I trust to be with a guy and have him be faithful when I can't do much for him?
So yeah, at the beginning of my stay--after our talk, I was thinking for sure we were definitely done. He didn't want what I wanted and he thought I couldn't handle being a mother. A few days later a conversation we had just confused me even more. I don't even recall how it came about but he made a remark along the lines of that I'm not his girlfriend RIGHT NOW...not forever. And that I wouldn't be a bad mother if I didn't do it alone. WTF? I'm trying to stop reading into everything because it's driving me bonkers.
After the "Serious" talk the rest of my stay was pretty good. It felt nice to just hang out with him and be ourselves, alone, we've never really been alone like that before. It was nice. We both have changed so much since we broke up and I truly believe it has been good changes. We are nicer to each other, we have fun again, we miss each other. It's sad and wonderful all at the same time.
Until next time,