May 9, 2011

To sum it up in 1,000,000 words

Me and my mommy :)

Happy Belated Mother's Day to all the mom's of the world!

Yesterday was a good day. It went surprisingly well. As I mentioned in previous posts, my brother Jeremiah and I have been sort of on the outs since we got into a pretty big fight back in February. We have a lot of issues from the past, both of us, and we are very emotional and high strung people. Its hard for us to get over things and say were sorry. We aren't big huggers (even though my mother tries to force us to hug!) and we aren't very.. I'm not sure if this is the right word but loving. To each other anyway. Yes, I love my brother, but I can't honestly remember the last time we said "I love you". It's just not really something my family does (with the exception of my mom, she is super lovey dovey). I have always had a different relationship with Jeremiah than my other brothers, Jake and Joe. Lets do a little recap...

My oldest brother is Joe, he will be 40 this year. He's a loser. I hate to say that about my brother but unfortunately it's true. My mother was very young when she had Joe, he does not have the same father as my other brothers and I do. His birth father had nothing to do with him his entire life. They met for the first time when he was 29 years old. Joe had it hard growing up, my Dad was not a well person (before I was born) and was into drugs and alcohol and he didn't treat my mother or my brothers right, Joe especially. Joe has had issues his whole life. Into drugs, didn't care about anyone but himself, felt like my mother OWED him something.  I remember my brother calling me on my 14th birthday--I actually was on my period and very sick (throwing up, all that) and he called to say that I was a bitch and I was probably throwing up from morning sickness because I was a little slut. Awesome birthday gift! Let me just clarify, he couldn't have been more wrong. I hadn't even tongue kissed a boy at that point-I thought boys were pervy and gross, I was not interested lol  Anyway, you get the jist of it. Somehow he ended up with a wonderful woman, Robin. They are now divorced but I consider Robin more of my sister than Joe my brother.  They had 2 children together and my brother just up and left. I think the last time I saw him and actually talked to him was like 2005? I saw him once in 2007 at a 7-Eleven but thats the last time. Last I heard he was out in Nevada. He used to call my mom, all drunk, and talk shit to her. Now he doesn't even make an effort to contact any of us, even his children. It makes me sick because he was so pissed off at his birth father for not giving a shit and he is doing the same thing to his children. Actually, its probably worse because he was in their lives for a few years and THEN left. Thank god they have a mother like Robin because those poor boys would be damaged.

Next up is Jake, he is 35 and amazing. I love Jake so much. I know its awful to have favorites but sometimes you just connect with one sibling more than the others--Jake is great. Growing up I only have one bad memory of him and I and he apologized to me. He stood up for me all the time and I always felt like he really loved me. Jake became a father at a young age, 20, but has stepped up to the plate ever since. Jake now has 3 children, his first, was with a woman named Cindy. He later got married to Amanda and had 2 more kids. I am so incredibly proud of my brother. Cindy was a mess, she had 3 children by the age of 17. Yeah. I will have to admit, when my brothers were teens they were typical boys and thought with their penises! They have now paid for that. Cindy has done nothing for her children, her 2 oldest have always lived with her mother and Jake has Xavier. It's pretty sad because Xavier is now 15 and he expects nothing of his mom, he didn't even know if he should call her on Mother's Day because she really hasn't been a mom. It breaks my heart but Jake has done an amazing job with him. Xavier is a great kid, in sports, on honor roll, and respectful. My brother doesn't make much money but he busts his ass for his children. I love him for it. I dont believe Jake gets enough recognition. I hope to one day get married and have him walk me down the isle. :)

Now Jeremiah.. he is 32 and was also a father at a young age. His son, Nathan was born shortly after his 17th birthday. Nathan's mother has a lot of mental issues therefore my brother has full custody. Years later he had another son, Ben, and it didn't work out with his mother either. Ben's mom gave up her rights to my brother and decided to move away.  Ben does have occasional contact with her and visits her during summer break but my brother is the only full time parent to both of his kids.  I have to give him credit, just like Jake, he stepped up-there was no doubt about it. Normally a 16 year old would run scared but Jeremiah always planned to be around. Jeremiah and I had it rough together growing up. My father was unstable and put a gun to my mothers head when I was 2. We then moved around living in Shelters for a while until we moved out of state. Jeremiah got stuck taking care of me a lot. He changed my diapers, babysat constantly and I even remember him teaching me how to make sure all the shampoo was out of my hair before I got out of the shower. I think the fact that he had to take care of me so much is what caused a lot of problems between us. I think Jeremiah felt resentment towards me. I dont know for sure, but I have always felt that way.  Jeremiah is a bully and he used to hit me and scream in my face, basically just try to scare me into doing what he wanted me to do. I recall being on the phone with my friend when I was 10, he wanted it, I said no and he slapped me (my friend on the other line heard it) and then ripped the cord out of the phone. I then proceeded to throw the phone and smash it into pieces.  Needless to say, we have had the most issues. I am not perfect, trust me, Ill get into my craziness in a bit.

I am the baby of the family, 25 years old and the only girl. After the incident where my father attacked my mom and we moved he received help. I didn't know my father as the evil man that my mother and brothers knew him as so it was very difficult for me growing up listening to it. My mom had a extremely hard life, I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and for a brief period she became an alcoholic. It was after my dad had gotten better and we were allowed to see him again. I remember my Dad being the one I counted on. I lived with my mom but would visit my dad and I remember nights where my mother would say she was coming to get me and she would never show. I would sit at the window for hours waiting and crying. To me, my mom was the bad one. I mean I was 7! It was a pivotal age for me to bond with her and unfortunately it didn't happen.  I ended being a very angry pre-teen, and really angry teenager.  I'm not gonna lie when I say I put my mom through some shit.  I was very smart, I learned from my brothers mistakes not to get pregnant, drugs, or any of that stuff but I was a bitch. I couldn't stand my mother. I felt like she was trying to be my mom and it was too late. I didn't need her to tell me what to do anymore. I believe that is a big reason I had such a problem with Jeremiah because I would fight with my mom badly because I was so angry with her and Jeremiah didn't understand that. My mom was there for the boys, she had to be, to save them and herself.  Anyway, I was in counseling for as long as I could remember and I had such bad anxiety and depression it affected my daily life. My sophomore year I had 1 class the first semester because I couldn't handle going to school. I remember doing a project in science class and because I needed scissors and they were on someones desk I just didn't do my project because I didn't want to ask to use them. I was messed up. I still feel messed up sometimes lol but I'm working on it.
Jake, Jeremiah, and I have all made great improvements since then. We still have our problems but are definitely better people. I realized that I just cant live my life with so much anger, it was killing me.

So yesterday, on Mothers Day, I almost did not want to be at the cookout because I didn't think I could control my anger around Jeremiah and I didn't want to ruin the day for my mom.  Well, I put my big girl panties on and took an anxiety pill and I rolled with it. She is my mother. She has had a harder life than anyone I know (that will be another blog post ;] ) and it is bad enough that my oldest brother, who my mother gave up her entire youth for, is so selfish that he cannot even be bothered to return her phone calls, texts, or even call her on mothers day. I "womaned" up and got along with Jeremiah and it actually went really well. We said hello to each other, which we haven't said in 2 months, and I helped with the salads and vegetables while he did the grilling. I let him borrow my rain coat when it started to rain, even thought it was a little small, haha. I know these sound like minor things but its a huge deal for us. We're very much alike..we get hurt so easily and we dont forgive quickly. It was nice that we put aside our differences for our mom and it went well.  My mom was so thrilled that when everyone left she started crying and thanked me for getting along, told me how proud she was of me. It's funny what the littlest things can do for someone. I knew it was hurting my mom that her children weren't speaking. She asked what she did wrong to make her children this way. It broke my heart because it's not about my mom, its us, were adults now and she cant feel guilty forever. At some point we need to take responsibility. That is why I put my differences aside, for my mom. My mom said it was the best gift we could have given her. Without her, I'd be lost.

Wow, talk about overload. Sorry guys! Apparently I needed to get some stuff off my chest. Now you know a little bit more about my crazy life :P

Until next time,

SOME of the gang :)

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