April 26, 2011


I love words. Writing, music, acting, I love it all.  I found some quotes recently that I really enjoy so I felt like Sharing! :)

    One half of knowing what you want is knowing what you must give up before you get it.  ~Sidney Howard
Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion.  You must set yourself on fire.  ~Arnold H. Glasow
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.  ~Author Unknown 
When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it’s not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end.~Bella Swan, Twilight
Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.- Wayne Dyer
If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.~Jim Rohn
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didnt do than by the ones you did. Explore, dream, discover.~Mark Twain
Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while so that we can see life with a clearer view again.~Author unknown

What are some of your favorite quotes?


April 24, 2011

I like to plan ahead

Even though Halloween is 6 months away I am super excited. I have 3 ideas in mind... which should I go for?

  • Kelly Kapowski. I fucking love Saved by the Bell. 
  • Peggy Bundy. I love animal Print! 
  • Katherine Pierce. I love Vampires! 

Water for Elephants

This Saturday I had a movie date with my friend Chris and we decided to go see Water for Elephants. We first saw the trailer while we were at a different movie together and decided instantly that we were going to see WFE together! I love Reese Witherspoon, she has been one of my favorite actresses for the past 10 years now and I love Robert Pattinson, enough said. It was phenomenal. I was pleasantly surprised. Rpatz was amazing! I know a lot of people are skeptical about his acting abilities, especially doing Twilight, but he was excellent. I never would have pictured Reese and Rob working together but they were great together! All in all it was AMAZING. I definitely recommend it!!

April 19, 2011

Word vomit

I am about to spill my guts.  I told myself I wasn't going to talk about certain things but I cant hold it in any longer. It's nothing scandalous, or fabulous, it's just stuff I've been holding in. I know my close friends who read this will appreciate the spillage lol Anyway here goes...

  • I am so scared that I may not be able to have children. I am trying to be positive but it is killing me inside. I'm a mess. I know I have minimal Endo but that doesn't make a difference. No one knows why infertility is related to Endometriosis so they cant be sure why someone who has tons of Endo has 3 kids but someone with minimal endo may not be able to get pregnant.  Endo does run in my family and no one has had fertility problems so I guess that should make me hopeful? It doesn't. Well, I take that back. It does give me some hope but I think I am just so overridden with fear right now I dont know what to think.  It's not only that I may not be able to get pregnant but its also that I may not get pregnant in time. Most people think I'm crazy when I say "I am 25 and I feel like I am running out of time." but thats how I feel. Fertility declines as you age and someone with Endo has an even less likely chance and I don't want to adopt... I have to stop now, I can't continue with this because my anxiety is just through the roof. Moving on...
  • I am pissed off at life. Why shouldn't I be? I feel like shit all the time. I broke up with my boyfriend. I may not be able to have kids..I'm sick, and I'm tired. I feel like I am being punished for something I don't know that I did. I mean seriously? It's like 1 good thing happens but 3 bad things come rolling right in after (example: "We found out why you're so sick unfortunately there's nothing we can do for you!"). I feel so frustrated because I just don't know what to do. 
  • I remembered why I love Cain so much. We broke up 50 days ago today. I can't even believe its been that long. It feels like it's been longer and shorter at the same time. Cain and I have decided to stay friends and have been hanging out frequently. It's like we are two different people than we were before we broke up. We are actually being nice to each other...shocking! No, really though..in the end of our relationship we were both just so frustrated we were mean to each other. Now, we're actually talking...go figure! It's been great, actually. We are hearing each other out and making an effort to listen, to care. Being with him this passed weekend really made me remember why I fell in love with him and why I still love him so much.
  • I don't know what I'd do without my mom or Corinne right now. My mom has been taking care of me since I moved back in after my break up and helping me after my surgery, and she just does a lot for me. Corinne is one of my best friends. I love all of my friends, and all have tried to be there for me but it's different. Corinne and I work together, we spend a lot of time together, and she just gets me. This is probably going to be the sappiest thing I have ever said but I believe it was fate for Corinne and I to meet. I think that meeting Corinne has helped me become a better person, a more sane person. It's hard for me to be close with a lot of people, and I have always had a problem feeling like I don't relate to anyone. I don't feel so alone with Corinne around.

Ahhh I feel so much better, I had to get that out. Now I am going to try to RELAX. I am going to lay in my bed, cuddle with my kitties, and watch Law and Order: SVU.

Until next time,

April 15, 2011

Today is a bad day. Yesterday was worse.

"Some days are for living. Others are for getting through."-Malcolm S. Forbes

 Honestly, these last 2 days have sucked ass. Yesterday started off okay. I felt a little blah but thats pretty normal for me. I actually thought I had been feeling better since I had my surgery last Wednesday. I wasn't feeling as nauseous and bloated as I usually do when I would first wake up in the morning and I thought to myself, "YAY. Surgery did help somewhat!". Well, I don't know why I am so "lucky" but I seem to have minimal Endo with severe symptoms, especially gastrointestinal ones. I usually have two really bad episodes a month, once around ovulation and once right before/or on the start of my period. Now, I don't want to get into too much detail because for one, its embarrassing, and two, its not pleasant. Anyway, I have severe episodes that cause me to throw up, and go to the bathroom, and I get the sweats, chills, nausea, intense stomach pain, blurred vision, pass out, hyperventilate...yeah. In recent months, in has been getting so bad that I can not control how much I throw up and eventually I get dehydrated. I have been to the ER 3 times in 5 months.
Yesterday I was at work, everything seemed normal, I felt okay and then all of a sudden I had to run to the bathroom. I was in so much pain I couldn't see straight. Luckily for me my best friend, Corinne, is also my co-worker and she took me over to the ER. Thank god I work 3 minutes from the hospital, I literally felt like I was going to die. I was shaking so hard I was practically convulsing, so much pain I couldn't even think straight. Once they finally got me in they hooked me up with some medicine to stop me from throwing up and gave me some morphine for the pain. It worked for a while and they took me to do some tests, an Xray and CAT scan. Not long after returning to my room I started to feel pain again. Seriously, dude?! I was given morphine. Most of the time that kicks people on their ass but nope, not me! Go friggin figure. I have such a high drug tolerance but 2 beers and Im hammered, so dumb! Anyway, the pain was so bad I hyperventilated to a point of where all of my muscles tensed and my hands were stuck in certain positions, my legs were all cramped, even the muscles in my face were so tensed I couldn't talk right. It was pretty scary. The nurses came back and doctor (all males, random, lol) and gave me Oxygen, more morphine and Ativan to make me stop hyperventilating. After all of that, and my tests, they had no answers for me. My xray was great, CAT scan great, blood and urine all fine. AWESOME. Yet again I have no f-ing idea how to help myself. I'm pretty used to hearing that answer by now but it doesn't make me any less stressed out. I'm on the verge of asking the hospital if I can move in, LOL.
I went home around 7 and not long after I got there I threw up 2 more times,ugh. It stresses me out! I don't know to fix me! I ended up coming home early from work today because I was still feeling like crap and now I'm starting to have severe cramps but my period isn't even due for 7 more days...joy! I'm prepared though!
I've got my heating pad, meds, and Season 5 of Supernatural on DVD to keep me going.

Until next time,

April 12, 2011


Today was my post-op appointment, since I had the laparascopy last week.  I got to see my insides (grossssss), my doctor took lots of pictures so that was helpful! I dont really know where to begin so...here it goes.

I have a very minimal amount of Endometriosis, I believe I have 4 or 5 spots and all were removed except one that was my uterus. I also had a lot of little cysts around the base of my tubes but those were easily removable. They checked my tubes as well and they are open (yay!). I also do not have any permanent scar tissue or damage so that is awesome. The only thing that really concerns me is the Endo on my uterus, I want children so badly I hope that I wont get more on my uterus that will affect my fertility. My doctor seemed confident that I could eventually get pregnant but basically I have to do it sooner rather than later (a year or two) since Endo gets worse and fertility declines after 30; kinda hard considering I just ended my 6 year relationship and am totally not ready to jump into another but thats another problem for another day. My only options are Lupron, which doesn't make sense for me because I dont have severe Endo (even though I have EXTREME symptoms), or going back on birth control; So it looks like I will be starting BC up again soon and after 4 months we will see how I am doing. I am trying so hard to be positive about all of this because yes, it is good that I have no permanent damage, but its bad that theres nothing that can be done really and now I have to worry about when/if I will get pregnant.  I need to stop thinking and stressing, im heading to bed early tonight!

Until next time,

P.S. Why would I want to take a drug (Lupron) that puts my body into menopause and it's COMMON side effects are: Constipation; dizziness; general body pain; headache; hot flashes; loss of appetite; nausea or vomiting; stuffy nose; trouble sleeping; weakness....I have most of those anyway, like it needs to be increased! 

P.P.S.  I saw a picture of my ovary with the ovulation cyst and it was soooooo yucky looking!!

April 11, 2011

I like to freak myself out

I have problems. Literally. It's because of these problems that I believe I have developed a new problem... Hypochondriasis. In simple terms? IM NUTS. No, just kidding (kinda). It's not that severe..yet.  With all of the health problems I have been enduring over the last 2 years how could I NOT be paranoid? I have the tendency to "google" my symptoms and if I have a diagnostic answer..I will search that topic endlessly. I have been doing this since Wednesday, when it was confirmed I have Endometriosis. I am happy, in a weird way, that I actually have something wrong with me, and its proven! The past 2 years have been so horrible, not knowing what is wrong with my body. Now that I have some sort of an answer I am fixated on it; how to make it better, what causes it, what symptoms I have, etc. etc. I wont know much about my Endo until my follow up appointment (tomorrow) so you would think I would wait to talk to my doctor before sketching myself out? Nope. Here I am reading through hundreds of articles and starting to worry. I know it's silly but not only do I have Endo, I suffer from Anxiety and Depression (helpful combo! ;] ) so I have a hard time relaxing. I am going to force myself, right now, to close down ALL health related webpages I have open and I am going to do something relaxing... Read, tweet, and eat :) 
Tomorrow night I will post the outcome of my follow up but until then, I am clearing my mind of negativity and worry! This is all part of my goal to be a new, happier, healthier, ME :)

Until next time,

April 9, 2011

My Ebay

Hey Friends,
I have just listed some new items to sell on Ebay so check them out if youre interested!  You can find me: melissar04

Here's what I have for sale:

  • Interview with the Vampire DVD
  • Superbad 2-Disc Special Edition DVD
  • Knocked up 2-Disc Collectors Edition DVD
  • Destination Forks: The Real World of Twilight DVD
  • Cursed DVD
  • Talladega Nights DVD
  • Cooking Mama: Cook Off for Wii
  • Wario Land: Shake it for Wii
  • Blue Bloods by Melissa De La Cruz Paperback
  • Masquerade by Melissa De La Cruz Paperback
  • Revelations by Melissa De La Cruz Hardcover
  • The Van Alen Legacy by Melissa De La Cruz Hardcover
  • The Summoning by Kelley Armstrong-Paperback
  • The Reckoning by Kelley Armstrong Hardcover
  • The Awakening by Kelley Armstrong-Hardcover
  • The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner by Stephenie Meyer-Hardcover

Restlessness+ Boredom = crafts

I was feeling a bit restless today, considering this is the 4th day of bed rest, and I couldnt take it any longer! I can't do much but I decided to work on some crafts! Here's what Ive done so far..

Stash Box


Envelope bookmarks! 

Vampire Diaries :)

The beginnings of my hello kitty serving tray!

I found the ideas for the bookmarks at Vampire Craftin', one of my fave craft blogs!

April 8, 2011

I used to believe people couldn't change...

 "Sometimes we need to be apart to understand just how much we truly love each other."

Today Cain came to visit me while Im recovering. We have remained really close since the breakup, probably closer than we were before we broke up. I feel like we just had so much frustration in our relationship that we couldnt get past and that is why we ended things. Now, we are actually communicating--which is great. I know the main reason I ended things is because I want a family and he isnt sure if he does.  I, of course, would love to be with him. I love him; that doesnt just change over night because we want different things. Cain needs to want it too.  Anyway, he was sweet and it surprised me so now I'm not really sure how he is feeling about our relationship (or lack there of?). I was surprised with a special care package from him including 3 stuffed animals, beef jerky, gummy worms, Samoas Ice cream and scratch tickets plus a special something I cannot share on here, but my close BFF's should know what I mean :) 
Maybe Cain is starting to realize what is truly important to him. All I know is I still love him.. life is so complicated!

April 7, 2011

Online shopping, dangerous but oh so fun

Since I am crippled for the rest of the week I have been spending most of my time in bed sleeping or on my laptop. Being online all day is dangerous for me, I have a shopping addiction. I was able to semi control myself (after cancelling very many checkout bags). I am proud to say I only purchased 4 items and now I must show them off :) All items are from Forever 21

Satin Baby Doll Top-$17.80
Sunglasses $5.80
Sabrina Wedges- $27.80
Fab Skinny Jeans- $10.50

April 6, 2011

I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it..unfortunately.

I have been a naughty girl, not updating, but I swear I have an excuse. As many of you know I have been having health issues. Well the month of March was not a great month for me. Not only did I break up with my boyfriend of 6 years but, I was having a TON of issues this month with my health and it has been BRUTAL. I feel like I can hardly function normally lately so its hard for me to actually take the time to talk about. I know that sounds messed up but if you have health issues that you battle with daily you know what I mean. I can hardly even find time to call my loved ones which makes me feel like a real asshole. I have just been so depressed and stressed lately that it has kind of been a last priority for me. HOWEVER, today I had Exploratory laparscopic surgery. It was day surgery so I am at home now, still sore, but ok. My doctor didn't tell me too much today because I was pretty out of it with all of the drugs but she did let me know that I was right I was freaking right all along! I do have Endometriosis. My doctor is amazing, I love her; she told me that there was a little bit of Endo but she didn't seem too concerned. Even better news is that my tubes are open (they did a hysterosalpingogram.) WOOHOO. With Endometriosis fertility can be a problem, and I have Endo in the family so it was a big concern to me, especially since I want children. Thankfully my tubes are okay but I wont know until I try for kids if everything will work. I'm praying and crossing my fingers! The 12th is my post-op appointment so I will have more info then and will try to keep you all updated! I'm hoping that this is the beginning of a new me-a good feeling me. 

Until next time,