April 19, 2011

Word vomit

I am about to spill my guts.  I told myself I wasn't going to talk about certain things but I cant hold it in any longer. It's nothing scandalous, or fabulous, it's just stuff I've been holding in. I know my close friends who read this will appreciate the spillage lol Anyway here goes...

  • I am so scared that I may not be able to have children. I am trying to be positive but it is killing me inside. I'm a mess. I know I have minimal Endo but that doesn't make a difference. No one knows why infertility is related to Endometriosis so they cant be sure why someone who has tons of Endo has 3 kids but someone with minimal endo may not be able to get pregnant.  Endo does run in my family and no one has had fertility problems so I guess that should make me hopeful? It doesn't. Well, I take that back. It does give me some hope but I think I am just so overridden with fear right now I dont know what to think.  It's not only that I may not be able to get pregnant but its also that I may not get pregnant in time. Most people think I'm crazy when I say "I am 25 and I feel like I am running out of time." but thats how I feel. Fertility declines as you age and someone with Endo has an even less likely chance and I don't want to adopt... I have to stop now, I can't continue with this because my anxiety is just through the roof. Moving on...
  • I am pissed off at life. Why shouldn't I be? I feel like shit all the time. I broke up with my boyfriend. I may not be able to have kids..I'm sick, and I'm tired. I feel like I am being punished for something I don't know that I did. I mean seriously? It's like 1 good thing happens but 3 bad things come rolling right in after (example: "We found out why you're so sick unfortunately there's nothing we can do for you!"). I feel so frustrated because I just don't know what to do. 
  • I remembered why I love Cain so much. We broke up 50 days ago today. I can't even believe its been that long. It feels like it's been longer and shorter at the same time. Cain and I have decided to stay friends and have been hanging out frequently. It's like we are two different people than we were before we broke up. We are actually being nice to each other...shocking! No, really though..in the end of our relationship we were both just so frustrated we were mean to each other. Now, we're actually talking...go figure! It's been great, actually. We are hearing each other out and making an effort to listen, to care. Being with him this passed weekend really made me remember why I fell in love with him and why I still love him so much.
  • I don't know what I'd do without my mom or Corinne right now. My mom has been taking care of me since I moved back in after my break up and helping me after my surgery, and she just does a lot for me. Corinne is one of my best friends. I love all of my friends, and all have tried to be there for me but it's different. Corinne and I work together, we spend a lot of time together, and she just gets me. This is probably going to be the sappiest thing I have ever said but I believe it was fate for Corinne and I to meet. I think that meeting Corinne has helped me become a better person, a more sane person. It's hard for me to be close with a lot of people, and I have always had a problem feeling like I don't relate to anyone. I don't feel so alone with Corinne around.

Ahhh I feel so much better, I had to get that out. Now I am going to try to RELAX. I am going to lay in my bed, cuddle with my kitties, and watch Law and Order: SVU.

Until next time,

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