February 17, 2011

My so-called lifetime movie life..

My life is a seriously depressing lifetime movie. LOL okay, well maybe not that severe but I do believe god is playing a few jokes on me lately.  Like crap isn’t stressful enough, I feel like shit more than 50% of the time, work is always a struggle, and my relationship(s) are not where I want them right now plus my Vavor passed away, and I had an appointment with my woman doctor the same day I had to head to Rhode Island to be with my family.  This appointment was to basically determine a plan of action to figure out what is wrong with me. Let me give you a semi-brief (if possible) overview…
For a little over a year now I have been having stomach issues which has resulted in a 45lb weight loss. Not to say it wasn’t needed, because I was definitely overweight for my size but the way it happened wasn’t right. I was just always feeling like crap and having issues that made me not want to eat as much. I have had a Colonoscopy, upper endoscopy, 2 CAT Scans, 3 internal Ultra Sounds, and a small bowel follow through and all they can say everything looks “perfect”. Well that is awesome. Also, I was on antibiotics for 17 days for a UTI that I did not have. It took a 3rd doctor I’ve never seen before to determine that and to tell me, and this is a direct quote,: “I honestly can’t tell you what is wrong with you.”.  My last option Is to have Laparoscopic surgery to see if I have endometriosis. Endo can cause all the IBS type symptoms that I have been having and I talked to my Aunt who has endo and she says that all of my symptoms are very similar to hers.  I am feeling confident that this is the problem and am hoping that having the surgery will help, the only thing I am super worried about is infertility. I am so scared that something is going to be wrong and I can’t have children or if I want them I’m going to have to do it sooner than later since my chances only gets worse with age. I have a plan though! If I do have to have kids ASAP and my boyfriend decides that he still doesn’t want children I am going to have to say “Adios!” and I’m just going to get artificially inseminated. Family is too important to me and I will be very unhappy with my life if I do not have children. I know it’s possible to adopt and all that but in my personal situation I would prefer to have a child of my own and if this is my only way then this is what I have to do.
So not only has all this been going on, while In RI visiting my family for my Vavor’s death we had two huge fights, one in which my brother and I got physical and it was not good.  Growing up it wasn’t unusual for Jeremiah to get physical with me but mostly he’s just a bully. He likes to put you in a corner and scream in your face so you can’t get away. I felt like I had PTSD because as soon as he put his hands on me I lost it! It was just so unnecessary and I hate that every time our crazy family gets together we always have to fight; it’s so stressful I can’t handle it. I have decided to take some time apart from my brother and family for a bit because I do not like the person I become when I am with them, it’s not healthy.
I need to take care of myself and my health first and worry about everything else second. I have been trying to find things to help relieve stress, like crafts, but I have such a short attention span I can only do it for so long. I need more hobbies, or better concentration, which one is more easily obtained?  I need guidance! I’m hoping my psychic Aunt can give me some insight J

Until next time!

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