October 10, 2011
Am I being punished?
I am having so many mixed emotions right now. I'm so confused. I don't know where to go in life, all I know is I'm not completely happy. I feel like I missed out on a lot of things, like college and all the experiences that come with that. I feel like I can't get myself out of debt because of all my medical bills. It could be worse, I could be behind but it's not like that; I just don't get to really save any money because it all goes towards bills. I'm crazy about a guy and it's unrealistic for us to be together, right now anyway. I'm just so, AHHHHHHH. I am not super religious but I do believe in god and come from a catholic family where all I'm ever told is, "Everything happens for a reason--god has a plan." Okay, so what is gods plan? Why would he have me meet someone who is perfect in every way I could hope but then make it impossible for us to be together because of distance, timing, etc. WHY? Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for something I don't realize I did. I feel like if its not one thing its another, always. It never ends. I'm trying to be calm and positive but it's so hard. I mean not only am I sick but my life feels unfulfilled in so many aspects--career, love, friendships. What did I do to deserve this and what can I do to make things right?