Friends and Lovers

Yesterday was my first day back from work after my week vacation and some of the girls I work with asked me what I did on my time off so, I told them.  I told them how my ex, Cain, and I hung out a few times. We went hiking and then he brought the dog over my house to go swimming in the lake.  Cain and I have remained close since we broke up back in March, everyone knows that.  Not long ago he actually stopped by my work with a coffee for me.  Well, once I told the girls about hanging out with him they all started to give me crap about it.  "It's weird, you guys were together for 6 years you can't be just friends."; "Why break up and then hang out?". Basically they interrogated me; I had to literally sit there and defend myself while they said it was strange that I could still be friends and hang out with him.  Cain and I did not break up because we didn't love each other, we broke up because we wanted different lives. I wanted children, he didn't.  I didn't realize once you broke up with someone you had to become enemies.  I thought most people would be happy for me, being with someone for so long and then being able to still be friends. But nope, now they just made me super paranoid.  I know I shouldn't care what others think, and I don't really but it kind of makes me mad.  I didn't know acting civil and being an adult made me "strange".  Anyway, enough of my ranting! I wanted to get your thoughts on the subject; do you think couples who were in long term relationships can be friends after things end?  Don't get me wrong--I definitely think it's possible because I'm doing it right now but, I think things could be weird when we meet new people... for me at least! I'll want to beat the bitch up, jk! Sorta :)

Share your thoughts!

-Melissa

Word vomit

I am about to spill my guts.  I told myself I wasn't going to talk about certain things but I cant hold it in any longer. It's nothing scandalous, or fabulous, it's just stuff I've been holding in. I know my close friends who read this will appreciate the spillage lol Anyway here goes...

• I am so scared that I may not be able to have children. I am trying to be positive but it is killing me inside. I'm a mess. I know I have minimal Endo but that doesn't make a difference. No one knows why infertility is related to Endometriosis so they cant be sure why someone who has tons of Endo has 3 kids but someone with minimal endo may not be able to get pregnant.  Endo does run in my family and no one has had fertility problems so I guess that should make me hopeful? It doesn't. Well, I take that back. It does give me some hope but I think I am just so overridden with fear right now I dont know what to think.  It's not only that I may not be able to get pregnant but its also that I may not get pregnant in time. Most people think I'm crazy when I say "I am 25 and I feel like I am running out of time." but thats how I feel. Fertility declines as you age and someone with Endo has an even less likely chance and I don't want to adopt... I have to stop now, I can't continue with this because my anxiety is just through the roof. Moving on...
• I am pissed off at life. Why shouldn't I be? I feel like shit all the time. I broke up with my boyfriend. I may not be able to have kids..I'm sick, and I'm tired. I feel like I am being punished for something I don't know that I did. I mean seriously? It's like 1 good thing happens but 3 bad things come rolling right in after (example: "We found out why you're so sick unfortunately there's nothing we can do for you!"). I feel so frustrated because I just don't know what to do. 
• I remembered why I love Cain so much. We broke up 50 days ago today. I can't even believe its been that long. It feels like it's been longer and shorter at the same time. Cain and I have decided to stay friends and have been hanging out frequently. It's like we are two different people than we were before we broke up. We are actually being nice to each other...shocking! No, really though..in the end of our relationship we were both just so frustrated we were mean to each other. Now, we're actually talking...go figure! It's been great, actually. We are hearing each other out and making an effort to listen, to care. Being with him this passed weekend really made me remember why I fell in love with him and why I still love him so much.
• I don't know what I'd do without my mom or Corinne right now. My mom has been taking care of me since I moved back in after my break up and helping me after my surgery, and she just does a lot for me. Corinne is one of my best friends. I love all of my friends, and all have tried to be there for me but it's different. Corinne and I work together, we spend a lot of time together, and she just gets me. This is probably going to be the sappiest thing I have ever said but I believe it was fate for Corinne and I to meet. I think that meeting Corinne has helped me become a better person, a more sane person. It's hard for me to be close with a lot of people, and I have always had a problem feeling like I don't relate to anyone. I don't feel so alone with Corinne around.

Ahhh I feel so much better, I had to get that out. Now I am going to try to RELAX. I am going to lay in my bed, cuddle with my kitties, and watch Law and Order: SVU.

Until next time,
Melissa

I may be bad but I'm perfectly good at it..unfortunately.

LONG TIME NO SEE, FRIENDS!
I have been a naughty girl, not updating, but I swear I have an excuse. As many of you know I have been having health issues. Well the month of March was not a great month for me. Not only did I break up with my boyfriend of 6 years but, I was having a TON of issues this month with my health and it has been BRUTAL. I feel like I can hardly function normally lately so its hard for me to actually take the time to talk about. I know that sounds messed up but if you have health issues that you battle with daily you know what I mean. I can hardly even find time to call my loved ones which makes me feel like a real asshole. I have just been so depressed and stressed lately that it has kind of been a last priority for me. HOWEVER, today I had Exploratory laparscopic surgery. It was day surgery so I am at home now, still sore, but ok. My doctor didn't tell me too much today because I was pretty out of it with all of the drugs but she did let me know that I was right I was freaking right all along! I do have Endometriosis. My doctor is amazing, I love her; she told me that there was a little bit of Endo but she didn't seem too concerned. Even better news is that my tubes are open (they did a hysterosalpingogram.) WOOHOO. With Endometriosis fertility can be a problem, and I have Endo in the family so it was a big concern to me, especially since I want children. Thankfully my tubes are okay but I wont know until I try for kids if everything will work. I'm praying and crossing my fingers! The 12th is my post-op appointment so I will have more info then and will try to keep you all updated! I'm hoping that this is the beginning of a new me-a good feeling me. 



Until next time,
Melissa

It's like death

"When you break up, your whole identity is shattered.... It's like death"

 It's been a while since I've blogged so let me fill you in on why I've been away so long. On March 1st my boyfriend of 6 years, Cain, and I ended our relationship and I moved out. It was/is probably the hardest thing I have ever done.  We have had issues for some time now but deep down we both love each other. Unfortunately, sometimes love just isn't enough. I was a mess and I still kinda am (depends on the day) but I do believe I am starting to do better. Cain and I decided to remain friends, I mean we have been BEST friends for 6 years, I cant just forget that. We have been talking off and on and things are going well as friends.  I am not ruling out that we will ever be together again but I am not hanging on to it either. We both have a lot of our own things to work out and right now I need to focus on my health. 25 days until my laparascopy! I am hoping that I get some answers from this because I wont know what to do, I cant handle feeling the way I do anymore. Its brutal! I had an attack this morning actually, out of nowhere I got intense stomach pain and started to feel faint and dizzy, sweating, the whole 9 yards. Its fucking awful. During my attack I had really intense pain in my kidney area, that is starting to worry me because before December I dont remember having that pain and now it just seems to be getting worse and worse. I'm crossing my fingers and praying to god that I am ok and that my baby maker is fully functional!
Anyway, since I am feeling like poo today I am going to lay down. I am making a promise now to try to blog more! I am going to try to do things to occupy my time so I don't have time to think and dwell.

Until next time,
Melissa

P.S. I am SUPER STOKED to see Red Riding Hood tomorrow! I will let you know how it goes! ;)