See you in 2012

I haven't posted nearly enough in the past few months. I'm still a mess. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life. I'm hurting. I feel empty, alone. I feel like I have no purpose. I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of being sad. I have decided that 2012 is going to be a good year. It has to be. I am a mess emotionally right now and with the holiday's around the corner it doesn't help. I won't be posting again until sometime in January.  I need to get my shit together. I need to be happy with me.
I plan to be healthier mentally and physically. Eating better, exercise, taking care of me. I want to feel good about myself and not have it be because of a guy. I want a real relationship, someone I can love, build a life with, but I can't do that if I am relying on someone else to make me happy. I'm never going to get rid of this empty feeling if I don't make some changes in my life.

I'll keep you all posted.

See you next year :)
-Melissa

Depression; a daily struggle

Depression is a lifelong battle and if you don’t have it, you really don’t understand it.  For as long as I can remember I’ve been ‘depressed’.   I am hard on myself, pessimistic, and just generally sad. I know my life could be so much worse but I still can’t shake the feeling of being unhappy.  Of course I WANT to be happy, that’s why I am on antidepressants, but for some reason people think I enjoy being miserable. Really? Oh why yes, I love crying on a daily basis. I love feeling like I have nothing to live for and that my life is meaningless.  STFU. I am sick of people telling me to “be happy, it could be worse”. NO SHIT. I know this, but I can’t help it.  I am not to the point where I am going to commit suicide, I am too scared and would feel too guilty to do something like that however; I do feel like there is no point in me being here sometimes. I just don’t understand what my purpose is in life or how to find it.  All I want is to feel fulfilled in life, love, and work. I want to be happy with the way my life is going and I want to be happy with myself. I want to like myself.  How do I make it happen? I tried talking to my mother but she told me to do what most Women do as a solution to a major problem, fake it. Fake being happy.  I'm sorry but how does that help? It's just not possible for me to be that fake, I don't want to be. I work in customer service so I have to be fake and nice for 40 hours a week to complete D-bags, I really don't want to have to pretend all the time. If that was the case I would have pursued acting. Anyway, I feel like I’ve been struggling with this for so long and nothing has worked I just don’t know where to go from here.  

If you suffer from depression what do you do to cope? What has or has not worked for you?

If you think you may suffer from depression but haven’t seen a doctor yet, check out these symptoms and if you are experiencing any of them contact your PCP, A.S.AP!

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of depression may include the following:

·         difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

·         fatigue and decreased energy

·         feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

·         feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

·         insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

·         irritability, restlessness

·         loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

·         overeating or appetite loss

·         persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

·         persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

·         thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

For more info on depression visit http://www.webmd.com/depression/default.htm

Until next time,

Melissa

Am I being punished?

I am having so many mixed emotions right now. I'm so confused. I don't know where to go in life, all I know is I'm not completely happy. I feel like I missed out on a lot of things, like college and all the experiences that come with that. I feel like I can't get myself out of debt because of all my medical bills. It could be worse, I could be behind but it's not like that; I just don't get to really save any money because it all goes towards bills.  I'm crazy about a guy and it's unrealistic for us to be together, right now anyway. I'm just so, AHHHHHHH. I am not super religious but I do believe in god and come from a catholic family where all I'm ever told is, "Everything happens for a reason--god has a plan." Okay, so what is gods plan? Why would he have me meet someone who is perfect in every way I could hope but then make it impossible for us to be together because of distance, timing, etc. WHY? Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for something I don't realize I did.  I feel like if its not one thing its another, always. It never ends. I'm trying to be calm and positive but it's so hard. I mean not only am I sick but my life feels unfulfilled in so many aspects--career, love, friendships. What did I do to deserve this and what can I do to make things right?


-Melissa

Blast from the past

I'm super stoked because I am on my way to pick up tickets that my mother won me to tomorrow night's HANSON concert in Portland, Maine. WOOHOO lol Okay, so Hanson was the very first band I ever saw in concert when I was 12. I was IN LOVE with them. Zac, particularly...I even named my cat after him! Anyway, I loved them a lot so I'm not gonna lie and say I am not excited about tomorrow! I have SO much more to post..I've been a busy bee! When I return home I am going to bust out a few posts ;)

Until then!
Melissa

Learn to live with it

Endo is evil. It causes so many different problems that you don’t even know its related to your Endo and stresses me out! In august I was having bad left flank pain, which I have been having since December. In December, when I went to the ER they told me that pain was caused by a UTI. I was on antibiotics for 7 days and still had symptoms of this UTI. After visiting the doctor again they put me on more meds for 10 more days. Yeah, that didn’t work either. I was tested again and it was determined I never had a UTI! Frustrating, right? This chain of events is what led me to do the surgery and is how my Endo was confirmed. Anyway, I have been on BCP’s and made diet changes to try to decrease my Endo symptoms which have improved slightly but obviously not 100%. In August I started having a lot of left flank pain again and it was concerning to me, I also had to pee a lot so I wanted to make sure it wasn’t really a UTI. I seriously went to PCP like 3 times and then to a NEW specialist, a Urologist, twice. I was so aggravated because I honestly felt like this was pointless! Every time I have a new pain or symptom no one can tell me why! I ended up having another CAT Scan to determine that there is NOTHING wrong with my insides and my left flank pain is probably Endometriosis related. THANKS, doc. That was helpful. Needless to say, I feel very.. helpless. The specialist said to me, in these exact words “This is just something you’re going to have to live with”.   

I am at my wits end.. I need to try something new, I'm thinking of going more natural and homeopathic… anyone have any advice, anything to try? Let me know!

Until next time,

Melissa

Summer lovin'

I would say the biggest thing that has happened to me in the 2 months I have been MIA is meeting Lucas.  Who is Lucas? Well, Lucas is the first guy I have dated since Cain and I broke up back in March. As many of you remember, I was with Cain for 6 years and things were hard when we broke up. I thought I was never going to find someone to be with, I was scared, but oh so wrong.  Before Lucas I actually had a date with a guy named Travis. He is the nicest guy, not usually the type I go for but I thought “why not give it a chance?”. Unfortunately I just wasn’t ready at the time to even attempt dating him.. things were very weird and hard for me. Not long after though I stumbled upon Lucas. It felt different, I was ready to try with him.

I live on a dirt road off of a lake in Maine and apparently, Lucas’ family has a camp right on the water-- literally 2 minutes from my house.  My best friend from high school, Stacy, actually introduced us.  Over the past 6 years or so Stacy and I have slightly lost touch. We talked occasionally but so much had changed and we were just not friends anymore. We wanted to start getting back into our friendship and she had started dating a guy who happened to live down the road from me (Lucas’ brother). One thing led to another and I met Lucas! From the minute we met I definitely felt something. We aren’t officially together as of now, just “hanging out” but I think its because its so complicated. Now, I know a lot of people probably are going to judge me when they read this next part but this is what I have to say to judgments—FUCK YOU. J Anyway… Lucas is 6 years younger than I am. Normally, I never in a million years would have gone for a younger guy but Lucas is so different. He’s so mature and ambitious for his age, it makes me want to be better.  He is 3 hours away at college as we speak.   While that makes me incredibly sad to know he’s so far (and for a few more years) but at the same time, I’m happy for him. He is going to go so far in life, he is so smart and wants to do so much. Not only that, he has a great heart. I have been “hanging out” with him for almost 2 months, most of which has been on weekends because of our schedules, but still. I feel like I can really trust him and I feel like he’s a genuine person. Meeting him has made me realize that even though I loved Cain so much, it really was for the best that we broke up. We are so different and want different things and its nice not to be so hurt about that anymore.

In the words of Adele “Sometimes in lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.”

I don’t know where this new “relationship” is going but for now, I'm happy. It’s nice to be carefree and happy again.

Until next time,

Melissa

Im baaaaaack

 It’s been about 2 months since Ive been on, eek L Sorry about that, friends. A lot has been going on in my life lately and blogging was put on the back burner. I definitely want to try and update more often now that the hectic-ness of summer is over. I will be making many posts updating you on what has happened in these past 2 months. Keep an eye out! ;)

-Melissa

Things I think are bogus part 3

So "back in the day" (2007) when I had a myspace I had made 2 posts about Things I think are bogus. I recently came upon those lists again and wanted to share them and update them to how I feel currently :)
Here we go!

LIST 1:

1. When people don't call you back when they say they are going to.

2. When people don't call or text you back at all.

3. The fact that a chunk of my finger is hanging off and hurts really bad.

4. That when I try to make my hair look good it looks horrible and when I don't try it looks great.

5. That my month of tanning ran out today.

6. When people make up lame excuses for not being able to hang out.

7. Having to work with people who are lazy and suck.

8. Homework.

9. Boys.

10. Life.

LIST 2:

1. That my month of tanning ran out like a week ago.

2. That I have been looking for a new job for 5 months and have had no luck (hopefully saturday I will be able to cross this off the list)

3. Having to work with people who are dumb, lazy, and like to make up rumors about me.

4. Never having enough time to do anything when my friends want to do something.

5. Having free time when none of my friends are available.

6. My back hurting every fucking damn day of my life.

7. When my boss is a bimbo for unecessary reasons.

8. My mom's boyfriend and his son being around ALL THE FREAKING TIME when I just need a moment to myself.

9. Not having enough money to move out on my own.

10.  Not doing enough fun stuff anymore.

LIST 3-2011:

1. Being broken. (IBS, Endometriosis, Vitiligo, Anxiety, Depression, etc.)

2. Bills

3. Having to be nice to people when I dont want to

4. Pretending like I care

5. Caring too much

6. The Male Species

7. Exercise. I hate it LOL

8. Summer TV Hiatus' - I am having withdrawals for Vampire Diaries and Supernatural!

9. Double Standards

10. Being questioned

Endo Sisters Unite

If you have Endometriosis then you know what it feels like to feel scared, upset, stressed, and alone. I know I did, until I started making connections online with other women with Endo. It has really helped me cope and to hear that people are feeling the same way and have had the same experiences makes me feel like less of a freak. To encourage more Endometriosis Awareness and Support I have created a facebook page called Endo Sisters Unite.  Please check it out, Im hoping to reach many of other Endo sufferers to share stories and support.

You dont have to feel alone!

-Melissa

Let's get Serious, lets talk about TSS.

 

A lot of my posts are about my TV obsessions, my crazy family, or my battle with Endometriosis but today I want to talk about another serious condition that many women over look. TSS= Toxic Shock Syndrome. 

I know a lot of us have heard of TSS, but do you really know what it is? 

Wikipedia defines Toxic shock syndrome (TSS) as a potentially fatal illness caused by a bacterial toxin. Different bacterial toxins may cause toxic shock syndrome, depending on the situation. The causative bacteria include Staphylococcus aureus and Streptococcus pyogenes. Streptococcal TSS is sometimes referred to as toxic shock-like syndrome (TSLS) or streptococcal toxic shock syndrome (STSS).

Yeah, that's a mouthful. So let me give you some facts about TSS:

*1 in 700 women will get tampon related TSS in their lifetime
*Half of all known cases of Toxic Shock are women using TAMPONS.
*There is risk of TSS to all women using tampons during their menstrual period. TSS is a rare but serious disease that may cause death.
*The reported risks are higher to women under 30 years of age and teenage girls. 
*The incidence of TSS is estimated to be between 1 and 17 cases of TSS per 100,000 menstruating women and girls per year.
*It's estimated that nationwide 5,000 to 10,000 cases of Tampon related TSS  now occur each year, making it as common as Lyme disease.

Symptoms of TSS:

*Sudden fever over 102°F (38.9°C).
*A rash that looks like a sunburn.
*Signs of shock, including low blood pressure and rapid heartbeat, often with lightheadedness, fainting, nausea, vomiting, or restlessness and confusion.
*Severe pain in an infected wound or injury.
*Muscle aches and pains, stomach cramps,headache, or sore throat.
*Skin tissue death (necrosis), which occurs early in the syndrome.
*Skin tissue shedding, which occurs during recovery.
*Pinkeye (conjunctivitis).



How to help reduce your risk of TSS:

*Only use tampons made of organic cotton.
 *Use the lowest absorbency needed at each stage of your period.
*Avoid using tampons continuously during a period. Alternate with sanitary pads at night so the toxins have had time to dissipate. 
*Use a pad at the end of your period. 
* Change tampons every 4 to 6 hours. 
*Don't use tampons if you've had any unusual discharge. 
*Wash your hands before and after use and handle the tampon as little as possible. 
 *Alert your family and friends to the symptoms and emergency action required. 

Survivors of Toxic Shock Syndrome may have been hospitalized for weeks and there is usually a long recovery period. 

They may have suffered:

Loss of fingers and toes due to gangrene.  Permanent kidney and liver damage.  Deafness and blindness.  Peeling skin, and loss of nails and hair.  Continual infections  Short term memory loss.  No energy for months or even years. Psychological and emotional distress


Toxic Shock Syndrome is serious. Do your part to keep yourself safe. For more great info visit You-are-loved.org or talk to your doctor.

Until next time,

Melissa

My day out with Rhyann

My best friend, Shayna, has the most beautiful 2 year old daughter in the whole world who I love to pieces. When Shayna needed a babysitter for Saturday of course I said yes!
We started the day off at my work (the credit union) to get some cash then we went to Panera Bread because when asked what she wanted for breakfast Rhyann resonded with "A bagel!". I wish I could have gotten a picture of her walking in, she was wearing her pink sunglasses with her purse and her pig tails and outfit I bought her. SO ADORABLE. After Panera we did some shopping then went to get my hair cut (which BTW she was such a good girl during the appointment, she just sat and waited!). After my hair appointment we headed to Cain's so Rhyann could see the dog, Tasha. Once we got there Rhyann saw the pool and decided she wanted to go swimming. Luckily Cain's mother gave me a bathing suit to borrow so I could go in with Rhy, I wasnt expecting her to want to go swimming! After that we got ice cream and headed back to my house. I don't have pictures of EVERYTHING but here is what I do have :)
Video's to come later!

My latest Obsession(s)

I am currently obsessed with MTV's new show, Teen Wolf.  I know all of the guys on there are like 5 years younger than me but I still think they are super cute, I'm a cougar at heart ;)

First picture is of Tyler Posey who is the lead, he plays Scott. So cute, love his hair.

Next, I loooooove Stiles! He's hilarious on the show, he's the best BFF, and being cute doesn't hurt. 



I started off hating Jackson but as time goes on and the more I see him..oh my
 


Next on my list... one big bad smokin' hot wolf, Derek Hale. MMM MMM MMMMMM



Seriously, where do you find guys that look like that. It's just not fair or natural.  We need some better breeding over here in Maine!


Until next time,
Melissa

I'm such a Teenybopper

JTT

Leo Dicaprio

I have been a boy crazy teenybopper for as long as I can remember. It started with JTT, then Leonardo Dicaprio, Zac Hanson, Justin Timberlake, I could go on for days. As many of you may know, my most recent 'obsessions' have been Ian Somerhalder and Alexander Skarsgaard.  I also love Matt Lanter and Jensen Ackles. I love everyone. I can't help it! I'm such a girl.  Anyway, to get to the point...though I am 25 I still get giddy about my fave celebs.  Recently while I was on Twitter I replied to one of Trevor Donovan's tweet. If you don't know Trevor, he is most recently known as 'Teddy' from 90210. 

Trevor Donovan

I never in a billion years thought he, or any other celebrity would ever respond to me but, HE DID. In fact..he  messaged me directly, not even a reply! I almost peed my pants. It was no biggie- we didn't do any 'serious' talking but still. The fact he took the time to message me was cool. 

Have you had any other celeb interaction over the web? How did you react?

Until next time,

Melissa

Am I ever going to be normal again?

It has been about 13 weeks since I had my last ER visit. I thought I was doing good considering that from December to April I was visiting at least once a month. I really do think I have been improving with my Endometriosis and IBS, the medication I'm on seems to be helping and I haven't been having as many 'attacks'. The few problems I am  having regularly are extreme bloating and nausea  Well yesterday, I had one of my 'attacks'.  I was having the usual, stomach pain, nausea, vomiting, etc. I knew I wasn't feeling right because on Monday I started to feel very blah and called my doctor to make an appointment to discuss my diet and medications. They originally scheduled me for friday but when I got sick on Tuesday, I called them first. They couldn't fit me in  and told me because of my history and symptoms that I needed to go to the ER to have X-rays to make sure I didn't have severe blockage.  That stressed me out to the max because I had to leave work, which I hate. I feel so guilty and that my coworkers must hate working with me because I'm always sick and have to leave.   Luckily my boss is great and he told me to head to the ER.  I spent about 4.5 hours there and they did see I was pretty badly backed up but not to the point of severe blockage.  They gave me some stuff to try to help things get moving and also sent me home with medicine to take for a week straight.  I haven't seen results yet, minus less pain, but I hope it helps.  Friday when I go to the doctors I will  be requesting to have him help me with a diet plan or to see a nutritionist.  Obviously my body isn't liking the things going into it and something needs to change.
Speaking of which, I need to take my medicine and eat some veggies.  I'll keep you posted with what happens friday.

Until next time,
Melissa

Vampire Craftin' rocks my world

Not to long ago I was visiting one of my favorite sites, Vampire Craftin' when I came across her "100th post Giveaway". How could I not enter?! This is the site where I got the idea for the Recycled Bookmarks, here are some examples of what I did: 

Anyway, her site is awesome! I ended up winning a surprise grab bag and received it in the mail today. I wish someone could have taken a picture of me at the moment I opened it because I almost died ! It had all my favorite things; Edward, Cheetah Print, the letter M. Here's a picture of it, my regular camera is broken at the moment so I had to use my cell :/

AWESOME!

You guys need to check out Vampire Craftin' its AMAZING!


Until next time,
Melissa

Endometriosis, Diet, and Depression

I've been doing a lot of researching online lately about Endometriosis, and Depression & Anxiety and how Diet plays a roll in both of them. I found some really interesting articles I wanted to share.

The Diet and Depression article on Yahoo caught my eye when I saw the heading
 "Carb Up – Calm Down" :] heres a quick exert: 


"If you're suffering from depression, the Atkins Diet may not be the right choice for you. That's because eating foods that are high in carbohydrates (such as pastas and breads) naturally raises the amount of serotonin in the brain."


I also looked into the Endometriosis Diet and I was surprised with how much they suggest you cut out of your diet. That might be hard for me.  Here's a little exert: 

      TO SUM UP

• increase omega-3 fatty acids
• avoid meat, dairy products, wheat and sugar
• increase fiber
• modulate estrogen
• avoid caffeine and alcohol
• avoid refined foods, e-numbers, additives
• minimize or avoid soy products as they contain high levels of phytoestrogens, and soy contains a particular toxin which seems to be particularly detrimental for women with Endometriosis
• peel fruit and vegetables to remove toxic chemicals
• eat organic produce wherever possible
• drink lots of filtered or mineral water

Then after I read about the Endometriosis diet I found a great article on one of my favorite sites.  It was titled "I feel terrible but I don't want to change anything". Sounds relevant for me, huh? Let me give you a sneak peek at that as well: 

"The saddest thing to me is how we view food and our lifestyle. I almost want to cry when I suggest to someone that they cut out sugar or dairy or wheat and they say: “That is too hard, I couldn’t possibly cut any of those out of my diet!”. What amazes me is that these girls are suffering, each and every day."-Cureendometriosis.com

All three of these articles have put some extra knowledge in my head and now I have a lot to think about.  Have you ever followed any of these diets or have a similar experience? Let me know!

Until next time,

Melissa

Friends and Lovers

Yesterday was my first day back from work after my week vacation and some of the girls I work with asked me what I did on my time off so, I told them.  I told them how my ex, Cain, and I hung out a few times. We went hiking and then he brought the dog over my house to go swimming in the lake.  Cain and I have remained close since we broke up back in March, everyone knows that.  Not long ago he actually stopped by my work with a coffee for me.  Well, once I told the girls about hanging out with him they all started to give me crap about it.  "It's weird, you guys were together for 6 years you can't be just friends."; "Why break up and then hang out?". Basically they interrogated me; I had to literally sit there and defend myself while they said it was strange that I could still be friends and hang out with him.  Cain and I did not break up because we didn't love each other, we broke up because we wanted different lives. I wanted children, he didn't.  I didn't realize once you broke up with someone you had to become enemies.  I thought most people would be happy for me, being with someone for so long and then being able to still be friends. But nope, now they just made me super paranoid.  I know I shouldn't care what others think, and I don't really but it kind of makes me mad.  I didn't know acting civil and being an adult made me "strange".  Anyway, enough of my ranting! I wanted to get your thoughts on the subject; do you think couples who were in long term relationships can be friends after things end?  Don't get me wrong--I definitely think it's possible because I'm doing it right now but, I think things could be weird when we meet new people... for me at least! I'll want to beat the bitch up, jk! Sorta :)

Share your thoughts!

-Melissa